Fallen Leaf

A short emo poem that I wrote some days ago.

These desolate paths,
Which we used to walk on,
These beautiful flowers,
That you used to pick up,
Those times that we had spent together,
Those memories that you had given me,
Will stay with me till I am free,
Free from this prison,
That holds me back,
I will be with you,
When my time is up.
Just like these leaves,
Which rot and fall

This poem is about a man who's love died in a tragic accident. He goes on her grave and puts on her grave the flowers that she loved and used to pick whenever they went out together. The last four lines mean that the man says that he'll be joining his love after when his time in this world is over, when he'll die.

I like the concept, although it is somewhat hackneyed. A man (or woman, i guess) who is remeniscining about his past love. I'm not sure I entriely understood. I get the imagery of the paths and the flowers and the times, but when it comes to the last four lines, I lose my grip on what's happening.
Perhaps it's the lack of a full-stop before the 'I will be with you'. But it's more the way I don't get the comparison between finally being with the one you love, and the leaves rotting and falling.

Now I'm not too great at critiques, so here's my version of the same poem:

Spoiler:

BasilMeer wrote:A short emo poem that I wrote some days ago.

These desolate paths,
Which we used to walk on,
These beautiful flowers,
That you used to pick up,
Those times that we had spent together,
Those memories that you had given me,
Will stay with me till I am free,
Free from this prison,
Which is holding me back,
I will be with you,
When my time is up,
Just like these leaves,
Which rot and fall

Whoa, thats pretty good! I like it, very well done, I can only assume what this poem is about

Haha thanks guys. Also IMP1, I like your version more, I'll add a full stop and a thing or two in my version

Awesoem basil ummm wierd though

Yaar!Yaar an emo!

Elfsong wrote:Awesoem basil ummm wierd though

Come on now. Posts like this are useless. How is it weird? Is it a good weird or a bad weird? What parts make it weird? How could he make it non-weird?

Fine hten Imp here
well its awesoem because its a good poem I like how he did it
iIts wierd because its Emo
There HappY?

Elfsong wrote:Fine hten Imp here
well its awesoem because its a good poem I like how he did it
iIts wierd because its Emo
There HappY?

Well, slightly more happy. Before I thought you might have something useful to say, but weren't expressing it well. Now I know you didn't have anything useful to say.

Oh, you showed me this via MSN. I can't give useful critique since I never touched poetry, but I like it. I'm not really sure about the "Wich is holding me back" part, it seems kinda out of place - But I don't know how to improve it, so you'll have to trust IMP on that one.

Thanks Vecto and yeah, I changed "Which is holding me back" to "That holds me back". Thanks for that new version IMP1.